I recently saw in the Instagram account of a Triple Negative Breast Cancer fellow, a challenge to post a Before and After. The Before was meant to be a during treatment photo, and The After a happy and thriving photo. The purpose is to give the newly diagnosed ladies something to look forward to.
I don’t yet have an “After” photo. I only have a Now Photo.
Now.
Is there any such thing as After? Everything after Before is progress and process.
After makes it seem like “it” is done, dead, and over. But few things are.
Even after remodeling our home, I realize it is a living entity that requires constant care and upkeep. Painting, termite work, a new deck, weeding, purging closets. The house looked one way Before. But After the remodel it has been and is many things: A homeschool, party central, the gathering place for our Suzie’s Farm Tribe, a home for wayward wanderers, a nursery, a home gym, the location of Arbonne Discovers and Spa Parties, a movie theater, a white sage production site, a restaurant/cafe, a therapists office, a luxury retreat.
Lately, it has been a recovery unit. In the Summer of 2017, I used my home to recover from the loss of our Suzie’s Farm business – a business I had spent ten years developing and growing. After two years of recovering from that loss, I was ready to return to the Land of the Living when I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I’ve used our home to recover from chemo treatments which started in January of 2020. Then Coronavirus hit, and we’ve used our home as a haven for our family.
This is what the home is now.
So Before and After isn’t real for me.
Before exists. But Before is also long – a long long period and there isn’t necessarily one picture of myself that encapsulates “Before”.
There I am in 2nd Grade, two ponytails tied with slippery sky blue ribbons and a small cowlick.
There I am in 8th Grade, dancing in a royal blue, cotton dress swirling with white and ruffles.
The picture of me getting ready for The White Party. Pictures of me camping or traveling or from Suzie’s Farm. Headshots and blurry shots. Pictures from my wedding and from when I was pregnant. Pictures in my costumes or from plays or marathons.
All of these are from Before.
Each one was also a Now and immediately became an After.
So I can load my stream – make a layout of Before – But I can’t yet do an After. I can only do a Here:::Now. Because even that will become a Before as soon as the photo is taken and posted.
Before my lumpectomy. Before my radiation. Before my hair grows back. Before I regain my strength and stamina. Before I lose the weight.
There is no getting back to Before. Just like the person I was before I got married or had kids is gone, so is the person I was Before Cancer.
Perhaps that will be the After. The person and the process of becoming and recovering and discovering Lucila again. That’s After. That’s Now.