Ready to Live

I don’t know if it’s the Mid-Life or the Menopause, or the Cancer my time is Now.

9 years ago I wanted to kill myself. On the outside, everything seemed amazing – 16-year marriage, adorable 4-year old twins, a new business – a certified organic farm that supplied the San Diego area with fresh, vital, healing fruits and vegetables – and a recently remodeled home in a desired San Diego neighborhood. Our parents and siblings were alive and thriving. We had a supportive and loving community.

Everything seemed WOW.

It wasn’t.

I wasn’t.

I wanted to die.

Next month I’ll celebrate 9 years of continuous therapy with a wonderful psychologist.

Let me tell you, I have come a long way, Baby.

For the first 3-4 years, I was paralyzed with fear. In Spanish, we say, “Que diran?”

What would *They* say?

My life was navigated by Them. What They would say, what They would think.

I lived my life navigated by Their approval and opinion. I walked a very careful line. I didn’t want to sabotage our new business and the employees who depended on us, by saying or doing the wrong thing.

Because of my history, I thrilled at the consent and attention I received from Them.

I started a side hustle with a Network Marketing business because I loved Loved LOVED the products and wanted to share them with people. I promoted pretty quickly and then I stalled.

Why?

Because I was so worried about Them and what They would think and whether or not I could keep Their Blessing.

After our farm closed in 2017, I stopped running my side hustle as well. I recovered from the death of the farm – of that dream and all the things I thought I was going to do and be because of that dream.

I had wanted to kill myself six years before and with the closing of the farm a huge part of me died.

For two years I nursed my wounds and replayed the story and held a pity party for myself. I wondered and I raged and I mourned. Why? I thought I was doing God’s work. I thought it was my mission to help, heal, and serve through that business. I had received that mission, to help, heal, and serve, directly from God. So WTF, God? Why give it only to take it away?

After two years, I felt ready to tentatively step back into the world after being in hermit mode.

I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do, but I had always been a good writer and promoter of health and wellness and spirituality and inquiry and examination.

In November of 2019, I made a Facebook Live announcing that I was going to write a book – or something, that I was returning from the Land of the Lost.

And then on December 12, 2019, I found a lump in the 1 o’clock position of my left breast. As soon as I touched it I felt an electrical crackling run through my body. I knew it was cancer.

Again I asked God, WTF?

I got mad again! I was READY! 2020 was going to be my year!

But God said, Not Yet.

I had to get lower, obliterated, broken, I guess. I had to get to the point where I was out of my own mind and body and only able to fall completely into His hands.

I had to get out of my own way.

I spent months, lying in silence, eyes closed, barely breathing, listening, letting the light lead me out.

Show me the way. Light the way, Lord.

After wanting to kill me, all I wanted was to live. But really, capital L Live.

I didn’t think I had been playing around before. But with my mortality in my face, taunting me, I realized I was so much more ready to Live, on Spirit’s terms, listening to what Spirit had to say, looking for God’s approval.

This is all to say, I’m restarting my side hustle.

Why? Because 2020 hasn’t turned out the way any of us thought it would. Because I can, in the middle of all this, run a business. Because I love the products. Because I believe they help.

I look back at pictures of myself when I had gone through about 3 years of therapy. I started to believe in myself. I didn’t quite love myself yet. But I started to believe I *might* be worth loving.

I had started my side hustle. I was surrounded by positive people who had a vision – both at the farm and in my Network Marketing business.

I was strong. I was vital. I was full of Light.

I want that again. As a matter of fact, that’s why I started *this* IG account Whole. Healed. Beauty.

I want all the pieces of myself – my body, my mind, and my spirit – healed and whole. I recognize them as beautiful.

I want that for me. And I want that for you. I want to recommend products and books. I want to inspire and encourage you to reclaim your health and beauty and to become whole.

Message me to learn more.