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Here are the things that have been on my mind this week:

My Fitness Pal – Like Oprah, in the past I used to use the season from Halloween until the Epiphany as the Super Bowl of eating. What did it matter, why did I bother to watch what I ate in between the tent pole days of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year? It was a jumbled mess of days, tautly knotted as a ball of yarn.

I used to weigh close to 200 pounds. This was decades before #bodypositivity and #mybodymychoice.

I grew up in a time when you were judged harshly for your weight (I know this is still the case but I’ve seen #celluLIT and I marvel). My loving, extended family used to say things like, “You’d be so much prettier if you weren’t so heavy”. They rarely asked about school or my hobbies. They concerned themselves with my looks and whether or not I had a boyfriend.

This is what mattered.

Fast forward a few decades, and though I’ve come a long way (and lost about fifty pounds naturally), I still have hang-ups around my weight.

Those neural pathways run deep.

In August I started using My Fitness Pal to track my meals. It was helpful because I’m a citizen of Finish Your Plate, and a part-time employee of A Nibble Here and A Lick There.

I felt sluggish and lumpy – and not in a body positivity way. In a way that made it uneasy to move.

With cancer behind me and as I round closer to my 50th Birthday, I want to feel well.

But as with many things, I can get hung up and obsessive. And even though the diary is for me, I might omit things if I think the food is “bad” or if I go over the calorie allotment for the day.

Omit things from who? And why? It’s my diary and I can write what I want in it.

Yet those codes that were programmed into my psyche are hard to erase.

What I’m trying to get to is acceptance without judgment or guilt. The food isn’t bad and I’m not bad.

I tell the girls not to hide their food, but when I omit food from the diary I’m hiding food.

So, it’s a process. This coming to terms with my body, its preciousness, and that my sense of worth isn’t tied to the way it looks.

That what I value is a highly-functioning organism, that my role is to cooperate with it.

I want to feel about my body the way I feel about the body of a dear friend who has gone through cancer twice in the last three years.

I just messaged this to her, “i love you and have no attachment or judgment about your body. i’m just happy your body still exists because it is the temple of your holy spirit, and i love your holy spirit.”

same, lu. same.

Dapper Day – Starting today my youngest daughter and I are heading to Dapper Day at Disneyland!

Daylight Savings Time – is it on? Is it over? I can’t tell…all I know is that now the sun sets about an hour after we get home from school and by dinner time it’s pitch black. Didn’t we Californians decide to cancel DST? Just pick one and stick with it.

I applaud the 125+ countries that do not observe DST. If we all just wait, it will even itself off. I get irritated by the idea of humans trying to control something that is natural. Like Christmas decorations and music the day after Halloween. But maybe that should be #2.

It’s the abrupt shift that I struggle with. I’m disoriented, out of space and mind. All week I feel behind and late. Even small things, like my hunger signals, are disrupted. Walking the dog at the end of the day is a different experience.

I normally cruise the dog beach and head home as the sun collapses into the sea. Now, I arrive at the same hour as before, but the sky already looms grey and foggy.  I won’t have enough time to make my loops before it gets dark.

Yes, if I look on the bright side (which is earlier in the morning now) DST is a reminder that I can shift and change.

But in an effort to limit my positive toxicity, I don’t want to look on the bright side! I just want the day to evolve naturally.

I wonder what that would be like…to live in a country that doesn’t observe DST. To let the season come and go as it was before humans stamped on their preferences.

I’m going to think about that for a while.

Christmas Decorations and Music the Day After Halloween – Poor Thanksgiving, gets all the wind taken out of its sails because we are busy focusing on what we will buy. Capitalism, sheesh.

Beyond that, there are other religious and secular celebrations between 10/31 – 12/25. I wonder what it must feel like for them, who don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m a big proponent of spirit, so I understand that this is more related to the desire to celebrate and honor something special, to set it apart.

This is, in fact, what Holiday means – Holy Day. And we can use the definition of holy to mean something sacred.

But what part of it is sacred? Do we feel like we’ve lost that? I feel like we have.

How can we recapture the sacred, the holy part, of this season? More people are moving away from religion, at least in the traditional, conservative sense.

Perhaps we can find new ways to honor. There are lots of us sharing this planet and this space. We have different views and preferences. We can open up the arena and invite more people to play.

For me, I love how it gets dark and cold. It encourages me to stay in, with my warm loved ones. I want to honor that – the time, the change, the distinction between what was and what is. How I’ve changed in the last year. The lack of light spurs me to look inward. What’s in there? Who am I? How am I?  Where and How do I fit in the world?

“Sea Fever” by John Masefield – a poem perfect for this weather and this season. It’s a total mood.

As I arrived at the dog beach today, an older woman was leaving. She seemed mysterious and self-possessed. Like she had a secret, something she knew, in her smile.

I guessed her to be about 65 – an age that no longer feels old to me now that I’m closer to 65.

Not that close – I’ll be 50 in December. Suddenly it doesn’t seem to be a great leap to 65. That’s fifteen years from now. And with my daughters turning 15 on their next birthday, I can see how 15 years will disappear faster than a plate of warm cookies.

I’m like the Tween of Middle Age. Almost 50, and that feels like I’m in pretty solid territory. I jumped through perimenopause as I got pushed into chemo-induced menopause. That slow evolution became a revolution.

I’m still on the young side of older. When I spend time with my classmates at my Community College, I’m not on the old side of young anymore. I’m pretty sure they see me as old and unrelatable.

I’m not trying to keep up with younger women anymore, the way I was in my early to mid-forties. I still felt young and vital; I had young children and that helped me feel young and vital.

Something happened in the last year-I don’t know if it was the Cancer, the Chemo, or the COVID, but I changed.

Perhaps it would have happened anyway, but the push into menopause, or perhaps the health clashes, changed me.

I have a lot to learn from older women – the Wise Ones. No longer bleeding they, we, aren’t spending our life energy in the constant contribution to the lives of others.

There are the gifts of insight and experience, but I think I know now I can’t change anyone – I never could. It’s a luxury to finally turn that light inward and explore how I can shift and transform.

I can reduce my efforts. It matters less to me if I’m accepted by others. I’m finally cultivating acceptance of self.

I prove myself for myself, knowing my capacity good work.

I think I finally understand my value.

I come in, closer here, for a look within to divine, in these last (God-willing) decades of my life, me.

Maybe that’s the secret.

Just a little poem a la brava as we say in Spanish. First Draft, no edits, just letting it come.

 

Here comes the night

Light

Leaves early now

Cold

Creeps

early now

Here comes the night.

 

Here comes the Moon

slowly now

soft sight

sighs

lowly now

in the dark evening sky.

 

Here comes my love

Moaning now

hot flesh

on mine

groaning now

mouth pressed

tight

against my lips

knowing now

the way

of my hips.

 

Here comes the morn

slowly now

timid submarine

glowing now

sublime as

a teen

growing now

into the next stage

of youth.

I’ve wanted to do a Top Five list for a while, where I share the things that have my attention, that I’m grooving on, that I love.

I’ve played around with the title, but always knew I wanted to issue it on Fridays and that it would have Five things in it.

Then I wanted to come up with a clever title…so many things go into the creation of something!

And of course, there must have been something deep inside me that wanted it to be perfect.

But now I’ve committed to creating every day, no matter what, even if it is a smaller than usual post, or I didn’t spend two hours writing something deeply moving, so here I am, moving away from Pinterest-Worthy, embracing Being Real.

This morning I hit on the title “High Vibe Five” and then when I came here to post I realize, it’s November 5! Which feels pretty auspicious!

So, here we go! The first edition of The High Vibe Five…fanfare, trumpets clarion!

1. “Hard Place” by H.E.R.

This song popped up in my queue, even though I was listening to spiritual music. The production is incredible, and her voice! swoon As I made my tea this morning I was trying to harmonize with her.

But in particular, the lyrics resonate. I’ve been married a long time. And if I’m Being Real, it’s not always easy.

She says, “Even when you cause tears, you’re the one who wipes them away”.

When you are in such an intimate relationship for so many years, it seems inevitable that you’ll hurt each other. As long as you respect each other and the relationship, are contrite and work toward changing yourself so you don’t repeat patterns of behavior, you can come away from hard places and enter a different level of love.

2. The Immersive Van Gogh Experience – I actually followed a link from Apple News that was talking about Britney Spears, God Bless Her, and how she went to see this with her sons. I looked it up and it seems amazing! They offer it in 20 cities around the US and in Dubai. If you have gone, please leave a comment below. I’m thinking of taking my daughters during one of their upcoming breaks.

3. Dune 

My husband, RT, has adored the Dune books since he first read them as a tween. He says he’s easily read the first one twenty times. When we were dating the Dune books were something precious he shared with me so I could know and understand him better.

He saw the David Lynch movie and was disappointed (even David Lynch was disappointed with his own movie). Twenty years ago we watched the pretty decent mini-series.

RT was concerned about another remake. Many movies and stories we enjoy now have borrowed heavily from Frank Herbert’s Dune. He wasn’t sure he could stand another abominal adaptation.

But a few years ago we watched Blade Runner 2049 and were blown away by Denis Villeneuve’s interpretation. He was hopeful about his course for Dune.

He went for a solo viewing last week and loved it.

And now, as he did 27 years ago when we first started dating, he has excitedly shared his Dune knowledge with us as we prepare to see the movie tomorrow.

4. Wool& #100DayChallenge  A friend on FB just finished up the 100 Day Challenge. I followed along with her and got inspired the same way I got inspired to run half-marathons by watching other people doing it. I think to myself, well if they can do it, so can I.

If you’re not familiar with it, check out the link above. Basically, you wear one of Wool&’s wool dresses for about 8 hours a day for 100 Days straight.

I love clothes and fashion and accessorizing. But I also love shopping second hand at the Treasure Store (my term for second hand stores because that’s where you find all the Treasures).

I do own a fair amount of clothes, though many of them have been with me for years (and in some cases decades). I shop second hand first, get clothes passed on to me from neighbors and friends, or brought to me from friends when they travel. If I need something quick to fill in, like new T-shirts or fleecewear, I shop at Old Navy, and get my new underwear and socks from either Costco or Amazon.

So I don’t think I necessarily have a problem with fast fashion (though some may disagree).

I’m very intrigued by two things. One, RT started extolling the advantages of wool a few years ago. He wears wool base layers for about six months out of the year and recently purchased a few for one of our daughters who, like me, is often cold even when it’s warm out.

I have three wool shirts (two purchased from the Treasure Store and one that I inherited from him. They never stink, I rarely wash them (washing clothes is also a big drain on the environment, did you know that?), and are easy to spot clean when necessary.

Two, I’m intrigued. How would I feel about wearing the same dress for almost four months? I’ve seen lots of photos of what other participants have done. Lots of scarves and jackets, blouses on top and skirts on the bottom…even layering dresses on top of dresses.

One participant backpacked with her dress for eight days in Patagonia!!

Am I crazy?! Would you do it?

I figure I can give it a go. I’ll keep you updated with photos once my dress arrives.

5. This article called “Ghosts at the Table” by Alex Briggs in Bon Appetit moved me. Read it for yourself to find out why. Also includes a pretty legit recipe for chicken mole enchiladas.

If you end up checking out, watching, listening, or reading any of these, I’d love to hear what you thought. Comment below, and be sure to share with a friend.

And if you have any suggestions for next week’s High Vibe Five, drop it in the comments or send me an email!

xoxo

Feel it on the Fourth

 

You’ll find lots of breast cancer thrivers and advocates reminding you to “Feel It On The First”. By this, they mean that you should conduct a Breast Self-Exam.

 

It was all the fad a few years ago, to do BSE. Now it seems, some medical experts don’t believe that you need a BSE. They suggest that BSEs cause more damage than good, that they lead to unnecessary worry and gratuitous biopsies.

 

But that is how I came to find the lump in my breast on December 12, 2019. I scheduled a medical appointment for the next morning. It was, indeed, breast cancer – and a particularly nasty variety, too.

 

So I do recommend that you Feel It, but more so you can get to know your breasts, and know what feels normal and right for you.

 

It’s certain that my social media feed will be filled with exhortations to Feel It On The First.

 

I perform a cursory Breast Self-Exam. Honestly, I’m terrified to find another lump. Survivorship is hard. I find that now when I “Feel It On The First”, I’m not always feeling breasts, but the emotions associated with being a survivor.

 

And those feelings can come on the first, or the fifth, or the fourteenth. They come any time, triggered by surprises that linger in innocent places.

 

When we go to the hospital where I received my treatments to get our flu shots, I feel it. 

 

When I pull out the pair of pants I almost always wore for chemo, it comes.

 

When I lose lots of hair from shampooing…

 

When I use the bag I used during chemo…

 

When I find a cache of get-well cards I saved, when I drive by the biopsy clinic, when a character in a movie has cancer, or I see someone without eyelashes or eyebrows, the emotions swell.

 

I find the further away I am from my anniversaries, the easier it is to ascribe that time in my life to a dream. 

 

But that’s when I’m in-between anniversaries.

 

And there are plenty of anniversaries interspersed in the year (the day I found the lump, my biopsy, my first visit to the oncologist, my first chemo, my first ER visit, my first missed chemo, surgery, radiation, blood transfusions).

 

And those anniversaries cause the emotions to surge.

 

Meditation helps reduce the intensity of the emotions. I notice them billow like sheets on a line. I recognize it before it gets away from me, before I flood.

 

Being creative helps. Positive emotions replace negative emotions when you enter the state of flow. 

 

May I suggest the next time you “Feel It”, that you grab the nearest pen and piece of paper – an envelope, a catalog that came in the mail, even a  napkin or paper towel, and doodle. 

 

I’m particle to circles and spirals. I also like wavy lines.

 

Back and forth, pick a surface and cover it with your doodles. Remember to breathe deeply while you do it. 

See if that helps. See how you feel. 

It’s not a magic bullet. It’s the beginning of you taking back your power.