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Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell?

 

In honor of today, you ought to rent it this evening. (Spoiler Alerts below)

 

The basic premise is that a big-shot city newscaster goes with his crew to Punxsutawney, PA to see if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, thereby determining whether or not (weather or not) there will be six more weeks of winter or if spring will come early.

 

Bill Murray’s character is, in addition to other things, a snide, condescending womanizer who ends up repeating the same day. In order to redeem himself and change his fate, he must change.

He must allow his persona, his mask, to fall away, revealing his true nature. In the movie, Bill Murray has allowed his shadow self to dominate. As the movie progresses, more light is allowed, granting him increased consciousness.

 

Now I’m not saying you are snide or condescending. But perhaps you can identify with the idea of repeating cycles or patterns. Are you in an endless loop? Can you relate to the idea of allowing your persona to dominate? Have you allowed your mask to come between you and authentic relationships or experiences? Has the persona become a shield between you and yourself?

Do you know who you really are anymore?

 

The cross-quarters, the mid-points between seasons, as like dusk and dawn. They are liminal moments – transitional stages between one thing and another. Like the moments between sleeping and waking, the threshold between dreams. Autumn, Winter, Summer, and Spring get all the glory! They get the beach vibes and the pumpkin spice lattes, the holiday lights, and the colored eggs. The cross-quarters, Imbolc, Beltane, Lammas, and Samhain can sometimes be extenuated.

But there is richness in those in-between moments. Most of the time we live in the in-between.

There is softness there. Spaciousness. Like the darkness in the night sky before the next moon cycle. There is mystery and possibility. In that in-between, there is quiet and breadths for questions to be answered.

 

We are still in the moment of Imbolc. There is still time to create a small ritual. To write a healing poem, light some candles, or burn some sage.

It can be small and right now. While you heat the water for tea, listen to how the water goes from still to boiling; watch the steam.

Pour the water from on high. See its impact on the bag, causing it to swirl in the mug. Listen to the clang of the spoon on the ceramic. Notice the water change color from clear to burnished bronze. Honey? Milk? Straight? You call it. Smell the sweetness or be enlivened by the squeeze of citrus. Note the way the rind is bumped and waxy.

Now take it into your hands. Feel the warmth move from the palms to your heart and throat. Sniff your warm brew. Take a long soft inhale and connect with it and yourself.

Put your phone away so you can attend to yourself. Be present. In these ten minutes it takes you to drink your tea you won’t miss anything in the news or social media. I promise.

All that screen time is making you miss what’s right in front of you – your life. The chill of the air on your hamstrings. The weight of the robe on your shoulders. You can only know if you pay attention.

There are 1440 minutes in a day. Taking ten to sit with yourself is like unlocking a treasure chest. It’s unlocking the treasure in your chest. It unlocks your heart.

I know things now. I know it’s time to leave my writing because the black phoebe that lives in the tree outside my window starts chirping at the same time. I look up and notice the dark night melting. Light isn’t pouring in this morning. Dawn, this liminal moment, is leisurely right now.

I’ll take that with me into the day – a day packed with orthodontists, therapists, government offices, school runs, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a hospital visit to a friend, and other small errands. I’ll remind myself to be like the dawn – to not get stuck in a time loop – but to be soft, slow, and at ease.

I’ll remind myself to admire my shadow. I’ll appreciate the light.

hello wonderful

hello

how are you? a silly question perhaps. have you taken the time to ask yourself that question?

 

how is your health? how is your mental condition?

what are you doing, spell-wise, to heal yourself? Do you have your journal? Imbolc is coming right up. I imagine you’ll be working during these days. I think you could be doing quite a few powerful healing spells during this time.

As you know about Imbolc, it’s the cross-quarter that comes between Winter Solstice – a time of darkness, contemplation, and visualization, and Spring Equinox – a time of increased light, a moment of balance, and the quickening of the Earth.

At Imbolc, you can seed what you dreamed of during the Winter Solstice, which will come to fruition in the Summer and be harvested at the Autumnal Equinox.

It is a good time to do rituals of self-healing, visualization, and new life. The seed sleeps in the dark Earth, and more sun warms the Earth, bringing the seed to a simmer. As a time of increasing light, this festival can have aspects of increasing light on things you want in your life – like increased health and worth.

It’s also a time of many many candles, symbolically a time of much light), or a fire to warm, or ritualized burning.

Where is your pain? Is it behind the heart? Should we work on your heart chakra? Do you have rose quartz for pain and self-love?

I did a little more research, fluorite and smokey quartz could also benefit.

You could also write an 11-line poem/chant during which you can visualize your heart returning to perfect health.

 

I would also spend some time doing a tarot reading and meditating on what comes up for you. I’ve been doing extended tarot readings where I sketch the dominant image of the card in my journal and then write out the aspects of the description that stand out most for me.

We are in a waxing moon phase, getting close to the full moon, so any work you do that is increasing would be good. Increased health, immune system, energy, vitality, love, and healing are all good things to visualize.

 

I haven’t talked too much about them yet, but affirmations and visualizations are also powerful tools.

 

Affirmations and visualization are very powerful. I don’t know if you are working with that, as well as working with your chakras.

Where is your pain? Perhaps spend some time in silence and do a body scan to see what is coming up.

In general for Imbolc, we can focus on self-healing, care, and love.

Is your pain is centralized in your chest? This is related to the heart chakra – so there may be healing there that needs to happen. Some releasing and some increasing. If it’s lower than that, it would be your solar plexus chakra, and higher would be your throat chakra. So color visualizing blue and green or green and yellow in those spots. Plus visualizing their condition – are they vibrant and spiraling with energy and sparks? Or are they dull, listing, and lethargic? Visualizing them as glittering and spiraling is a great meditation.

An affirmation you could use, related to swallowing, is: I have the strength, power, and skill to digest whatever comes my way. I nourish myself with love. I welcome new ideas and new concepts and prepare them for digestion and assimilation. Life agrees with me. I assimilate the new every moment of the day. All is well.

Other affirmations I use on the regular:

My body knows how to heal itself. I trust the wisdom of my body.
I love and approve of myself. I am safe.
I trust the process of life.
I choose to be peaceful and harmonious. My thinking is peaceful, calm, and centered.

I’m happy to help you get any of these things together, or craft something with you.

I just want to encourage you to use your faith and belief system for your betterment and healing. Faith is what gets you through and helps you endure.

 

 

You are a powerful spirit, a dynamic and impressive being. Do you feel that sometimes you keep things on the surface – light-hearted, animated, and cheery – to allay your true feelings? Do you gloss over and mask your shadow aspects?

 

Being healed and whole means embracing all aspects of yourself. You are a delight and safe. The people who love you love all of you.

Continue to prepare yourself for this life by practicing, now, how to heal yourself, and truly take care of your spirit, body, and mind.

No matter where you go in life, you will always be there. That sounds ridiculous and obvious – and it is. I acknowledge that.

But what I mean is that, if you aren’t at peace with, content with, love and cherish yourself, no one else – no romantic partner, parent, teacher, employer, or friend, will ever be able to fill that space within you.

That is the Great Life Lesson. The one we all know when we are born, that we forget for a few decades, and then spend the rest of our lives trying to remember.

Your current state is significant. Our bodies are miracles – every system working in concert to produce YOU! Our basic systems harmonizing in the background while we fling ourselves around from work to school, to rehearsals and practices, driving and drinking, cooking and cleaning, forgetting that we are Earth Angels.

 

Your body says, Slow Down. Notice. Listen.

There is a body-mind connection. When you don’t listen, your body will call louder and louder until you do – like in my recent cancer case. I needed to be shut all/the/way/down to hear what my heart was saying. I got the message.  I learned what needed to change in my life to heal patterns and myself.

Your body is telling you something.

What emotions are you neglecting? What do you want to say that you are choking back? What don’t you want to swallow?

 

You are deeply loved and cherished. Your wellness is paramount. You are important.

I am eager to help you in whatever way you need. I can listen.

I’m in your corner.

January 31! Ah! To write that date. It seems inconceivable that New Year’s Day was thirty days ago. Yet it was. At that time I feel I’ve lived multiple lives and yet here I am, at this desk, blanket over my shoulders cuddled against the cold.

I didn’t eat enough yesterday. I woke at 2:30 in the morning to hunger pangs so strong I never quite fell back asleep.

As my stomach grumbled I prayed. I sent out prayers to all the hungry people on the planet.

I pray for parents of hungry children, they themselves are hungry, surely giving up their own food to feed their young. I pray for the anguish they might feel – how desperate and frustrated I imagine them to be.

I know here, in this big city of mine, there are children and families who go hungry. The school system has free lunches, breakfasts, and snacks for them – even during the summer. They take home extra over the weekend to insure their nourishment, sometimes sharing with younger siblings who don’t yet qualify for the program.

Twenty-eight percent of the residents in my county are food insecure, which means they cannot provide three, nutrient-dense meals per day.

Conflict is the biggest contributor to this issue. Areas of war and violence are deeply affected with millions of people being forced from their homes, their sources of income destroyed, and their families and stability ruptured.

But conflict doesn’t only happen in war-torn areas, or countries with erratic leadership or run by dictators. Instability and brutal abuse can happen in unstable homes leaving everyone shaken and afraid. Basic needs become onerous to attain. What many of us take for granted – a warm and clean home, abundant clothing and food, freedom and choices – are not feasible in unpredictable situations.

I pray for the abusers too. The despots and autocrats, the offenders and the victimizer, that their hearts be changed, that they recognize their actions and cease. May they replace violence with equanimity.

 

Prayer helps. I believe in energy. Sending someone good thoughts, good vibes, good wishes, and loving concern matters. But action matters more.

 

The Adolescents have Spring Break coming up in about six weeks. Immediately after meditating and journaling, I hopped online to see about volunteer opportunities abroad. Instead of taking a vacation perhaps now is the time for them to see our privilege and our duty. We already belong to a philanthropic organization and donate our time and energy throughout the year BUT! I thought maybe it was time to take the show on the road and have a more immersive experience.

 

But the truth is that all the traveling isn’t sustainable for the planet. And I don’t have to travel fo fill needs. There are so many needs to fill right here at home.

First, what do I need? Spending the time I might have spent traveling on quiet time meditating, journaling, making art, writing poetry, and moving will bring things up for me. Sifting and sorting I will discover what needs are most pressing. I can create a plan to address them.

Second, what about the children? That space and time can create opportunities to learn about what’s on their hearts. Without the bounce and flow of the school schedule, the early mornings and late afternoons, the pressure and exhaustion of assignments due, tests and essays, they can relax a little, let their guard down and discover as well. Right now is my opportunity to offer coping strategies, playlists or podcasts, articles or exercises that they can practice. Maybe some will stick, maybe they won’t. But the goal is to get them to understand that their calm and contented presence contributes to a better quality of life.

Third, my close relationships – family and friends. Now I can take time to have a long luxurious coffee date, go on a walk, or make dinner. These are gifts of time, the only true commodity any of us have. My Love Language is Quality Time (and Words of Affirmation). I can write letters or create postcards and send them to my loved ones who live away.

Now, then, my close community. Serving at a food kitchen, working with the food bank, cleaning the beaches and parks, creating art for families with hospitalized loved ones – these are all ways to help. We donate money as well, but it’s the time – it’s the actions – that reach, souls connecting with other souls. As Shirley Chilsom said, “Service is the rent you pay for room on this earth”.

 

As a child we used to sing a hymn in church that said, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me”. I regularly sing that line to myself knowing that peace on earth begins with peace within.

Not all of us want fight (although we need activists too) but we want things to change, improve, and advance.

Just like the adage that says in order to be able to fully love someone else you must love yourself first, I believe that in order to be a most effective helper, we must first help ourselves.

Yes, it is selfish. But if everyone else is drowning, you can’t expect them to throw you a lifeline. Discover, through trial and error, what your lifeline is and use it to rise above.

January is such a long and luxurious month. It’s hard to believe that thirty days ago we were celebrating the holidays and preparing for the New Year.

So much happens then, making January extra delicious to come down from the heady holidays and settle into “new”. Those days right after the Winter Solstice are flush with the rush of the holidays, eager and rife.

Then it’s time for resolutions, all the attention pivots from the holiday trips, the giving and receiving, to the idea that this year will be different, you WILL be other than last year. Temporal Landscapes teem.

The Adolescents and I went back to school, riding the flush and rush of all that, we have washed ashore in the new schedule, homework, professors, and expectations. The Adolescents had finals, with its attendant pressure and anxiety.

We celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. We beheld more murders at Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay.

We make it through these dark, cold days somehow.

Somehow.

And now, The Adolescents have this day off – this breath, this moment, before it all resumes again.

 

But this pause, here where I have no plans except to fold laundry, get groceries, make soup, and rest a little…

This day, this moment is a pause – like when you are hiking and you come upon a fork in the road. You cease a moment, to decide between and among paths. You stop briefly, to adjust your laces, clean your lenses, take in the surroundings. You observe your space and yourself in it. You see – where am I? You ask – where will I go?

But you have to interrupt yourself to do that.

It’s a flash where you look at where you’ve come from and take a look at the next few steps to determine what’s next. But you have to stop moving in order to decide – will it be the easy grassy valley path or the steep rocky route?

Sometimes the steep track is actually slopes smooth and verdant and the low valley trail is slippery with fallen shale.

But you’ve got to check the conditions, the road and your own, before continuing. Can you do it?

Either way, any way, in all ways, it’s a question of two things.

It’s what and who you are and what and who you aren’t.

It’s what you have and what you lack.

It’s your will and how it sways.

 

So here we are, in the last days of Winter Solstice season – we’ve done some retreating. A few days from now will be Imbolc, the cross-quarter mark between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox – and I’m checking in today.

hello, love. hello. how are you?

 

It’s a good day for it. An arctic storm has descended on the county promising abundant rain.

I’ll permit myself to go within, through what I have – as I sort laundry and take a grocery inventory – and look at what I need.

For sure the things I need –

• weed the garden
• more greens
• more weight lifting
• look forward to spring break

And what do I lack?

• a healthy right knee – so someone to walk the dog

I need to ask The Adolescents to help more around the house, a schedule and some calendar reminders.

I need to clean and regroup. I need to do some homework.

I wonder about all these needs. Are they really needs?

 

What do I have? Freedom and choices, my health, supportive family and friends, love, discipline, and eagerness.

I seem to have many of the things necessary to get what I want and need. So do you.

Take some times over the next couple of days, preparing as you did for the Winter Solstice and surrounding holidays, to prepare for the next Season of Joy. Over the last week I’ve talked about some of the layered techniques you could use to get closer to understanding what you need and want.

Imbolc can be another, the next Temporal Landscape for you. That place to pause and look ahead over the next season and decide how you want to allow for more joy.

A product of the times and culture, I’ve waged war with my body since it changed from a lithe, strong, fast child’s body to a lavish, full, female frame.

I’m a product of the Go-Go 80s. Greed is good. Big hair and bigger shoulder pads. Materialism and consumerism started in earnest and video killed the radio star. You could see, on regular rotation, the bodies, make-up, clothes, and accessories of your favorite music stars, and compare yourself accordingly. I never measured up.

I subscribed to Shape and Seventeen magazines as a pre-teen. I didn’t actually work out in high school – that was for the athletic girls, which I was decidedly not. Shape was rife with trim young women; the hottest stars of the times adorned the cover. Connie Sellica, Loni Anderson,  I poured over the magazines, not wanting or even able to perform any of the workouts, learning along the way that there was one type of body that was the correct type of body and I did not have it, so why bother? How did they even get their bodies to look like that?

 

I still punished myself for not having It, for failing to achieve It, and for not trying hard enough to get It.

I did find an exercise that I loved – Jazzercise. Very of the time, I know. This was the mid-80s and shiny, lycra leotards were the height of fitness fashion. I didn’t have them to wear, but I loved dancing to current music. Jazzercise was and is, an aerobic dance workout also designed to tone muscles. I loved dancing with a large group of people, the music was loud, and everyone was of a similar mind. It was so fun!

I didn’t think exercise could be like that.

 

I started to look for other exercises that were fun.

 

As time went on, I realized that each exercise was fun in its own way. Or, if not fun, activated a different part of my brain and body.

I joined the Y and tried everything they had to offer. Yoga classes because Madonna had recently taken up yoga and I wanted her body. Step Aerobics and kickboxing, which I found to be no fun. Stationary bicycles and stair climbers were boring. Nautilis machines were interesting but intimidating. I liked walking on the treadmill.

But I had no plan. I hoped that just by using these devices or by moving my body I would get the correct body. That was my vague, undefined goal.

For 30 years, off and on, I did just that. Trying new things, like Beachbody and marathon running, going back to my tried and true, Jazzercise, weight-lifting, and walking. I still always wanted the correct body and would work hard, but if Life so much as lifted its head, I would drop exercise first in order to regain hold of the reins.

Let me repeat: I still always wanted the correct body.

 

I was mad at my body for a lot of reasons. It didn’t look right and it didn’t act right.

I couldn’t seem to increase my muscles or slim down. I still had saddlebags no matter how much I ran or did Pilates.

I needed IVF to get pregnant. Then I needed a C-Section to deliver our twins.

What was wrong with me?

 

Then my body cancered. Chemotherapy did a real number on me, landing me in the emergency room several times for blood transfusions. I was so weak I couldn’t even walk around the block. I lost 13 pounds and all my muscles.

Yeesh.

 

And I’m not here to tell you that now everything is terrific. That I was healed both physically and spiritually coming through the experience of having cancer and that my relationship with my body is All Better Now!

 

It is and it isn’t.

 

Most days I’m neither body positive nor body negative, I’m body neutral.

Some days, if a photo memory comes up and I see myself from two and a half years ago, when I was still in active treatment and I look like a boiled, peeled potato, I’m very very grateful for my body. I appreciate how far I’ve come – all the ways I’ve come through. The IVF and the C-section, the sprained ankles and the broken toes, the jammed fingers and the bum knee – I marvel at my body and give myself a bath, slather myself with lotion, and coo. Way to Go, Lucila! Way to Go, Hands and Feet and Knees and Eardrums and Lungs.

On other days I’m agitated at the spare tire and the saddlebags. Now my skin is starting to sag. Time is evidenced on the landscape of my frame. I pray this isn’t as good as it is going to get. My knee hurts and I hope I still have my best days ahead. I hope that my best days aren’t behind me and that I didn’t even notice because I was busy envying Madonna’s body or Gwyneth Paltrow’s or Jennifer Lopez’s.

 

This envy is so unhelpful because I don’t even have the same body proportions as any of those women. It’s like trying to compare my body to Picasso’s.

 

I know this intellectually yet…

yet…

yet…

I still do it.

 

When I catch myself doing it (like right now as I’m reading this and Googleing “Who has the best female body” for “research”), I recognize and acknowledge that it is related to my lack of confidence in other areas.

Comparing my body is related to a lack of faith in myself. I want to believe that they of the perfect body – Bella Hadid or Hailey Beiber or any of them! (Who cares? All of them!) Must also have a perfect or correct life.

 

That’s what it boils down to. The want of something other than what I have because I think it is better.

 

So exercise. Who cares?

 

Well, exercise helps me be in my body, in the present moment. I need to make sure I get that lunge just right or I’ll fall over. If I don’t mind my lower back during a leg extension I could injure myself. If I walk too much or don’t pay attention to my body’s signals, my right knee swells, and then I have to take a break.

I have to be right here right now, sensing, tuning in, attending. It’s a moving meditation, an exercise in mindfulness.

Exercise is both physical and spiritual. We move our bodies even in the womb. Exercise helps move energy out of the body and creates new energy. The lungs fill with fresh oxygen. Blood circulates bringing nutrients and removing waste.  The brain is engaged. Willpower and responsibility are strengthened. Confidence rises.

 

It’s actually a pretty cool thing to be able to do; no comparison.

So find something you can tolerate and start. And if you already have something you love, share it in the comments below. Maybe I’ll add it to my spiritual practice.