The weather has turned soggy. The clouds and wind and rain equal Winter here in San Diego. The elements make for perfect writing weather.
Winter allows us – in fact, forces us – to draw inward. It seems like too much effort to bundle up and go outside to brave this weather.
Being inside encourages us to take a good hard – or hopefully, a detached non-judgemental view – of our surroundings.
In my room, I can see sweeping is needed. The fern ejaculated dry leaves all over the hardwood floors. The pile next to my bed looks like an outcrop of mushrooms on a decaying log with stacks of magazines, papers, and books leafing out from the core.
I study my clothes hanging from their rack. These I reach for repeatedly – the thin black pants and shirt, the leaf green strapless dress that hangs like a toga, the chiffon shell, sheer and the color of mottled autumn leaves. I remind myself to pull these objects from the inventory to make room so my eyes can spy the thicker pants more appropriate and cozy for the season, the long-sleeve shirts, the warmer sweaters.
My make-up drawer the bottled and containers of skincare and jewelry I rarely use – like the 2% clothes I/we use only for specific occasions. The compassionate loving look at my wardrobe is the same gaze I can use when I look at myself and my changing skin, increasing grey hair, and at my life.
My surroundings spur questions.
What do I reach for in my life? Will I be abandoned? Will I be rejected? Will I be outgrown like the purple dress and the pine green pants?
The answer is maybe and I don’t know.
The answer is getting comfortable with the maybe and I don’t know and all the other unknowns. That’s where the fear lives. That’s what holds me back.
The truth is that I will be rejected by some and not by others. I may be abandoned by some sometimes and not by others.
Here in the sanctuary of my home, my objects have the same effect.
I purchased these objects in good faith, believing I would use them. For the most part, I did, some more than others.
I can regard some of these objects fondly now, appreciating them for the time we spent together, for the person I was when I used them and loved them. I can appreciate that if I choose to wear that lipstick again it may be more for a costume or a disguise. That is not the me who I am now anymore. I am a new me every day through changes come subtly.
My daughters grow quickly now in their tween-dom. Some mornings they emerge from their bedrooms, sleep clinging to them like fairy dust, and I am astounded by the changes. The angles of their faces more acute, their limbs longer, their bodies rounder. Who are these mysterious creatures? From what spirit cave did they emerge?
I am also changing. The lines around my eyes remain after my smile has faded. I work harder at the gym to maintain my figure. More silver hair frosts my temples. I acknowledge this body as my sanctuary.
What I crave most of all, what I believe will nourish me the most, is my own spirit cave – a space, a body, a temple custom created by me for me. A sanctuary.
Some come to this sooner, some never at all. I come to it now.
Some of my objects represent wishes or “close enoughs” or “not-quite-there-yets”. This is the evolutionary process like flightless birds and eyeless fishes who trawl the bottom of the sea.
These objects are more than what I have now. My surroundings represent the things I wanted, the person I hoped to be – more elegant, more refined, more polished – perhaps I believed I would be more accepted as that person.
But really I am more funky, untamed, thoughtful, creative, warm, radiant, attentive, and relaxed.
I want comfort over coordinated and creative and chaotic over curated. I want cozy and custom.
I want me.
Winter is the time to uncover “me” and you. Winter’s darkness brings dreams. Dreaming, things come to you – jobs you might like to have, sexual partners or positions you might like to try, places you might like to visit or live.
The time we spend indoors during Winter requires us to make choices about our choices. Can we see the chaos in our lives? Can we live with the chaos? Can we view the chaos with compassion?
I resume looking at my things. I want wool pants and time to put the linen away. I want shoes that are flat and fashionable. I’ve happily broken-up with jeans.
I return to the idea of creating my body as my sanctuary, after all I live within this warm, pulsating suit every moment of my life. What do I need?
Skincare and body care need to pamper and hydrate. Food needs to nourish and heal. Drinks must settle and sooth. The places I recline need to be cushy and comfortable. My entertainment needs to enlighten.
I need more rest. I need more walks. I need less fried food and sweets and more herbals teas and pure water. I need less clutter and more peace.
I need to sit, quietly. I need to breathe deeply. Perhaps then I will hear I need. I must sift through voices and the energies of others to know what I need.
I fathom all my choices contribute to the sanctuary that is my Life. All of it needs to En-Light-En as we move from this time of darkness into the “Light”.
What do you need to create a restorative sanctuary?
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