About twelve years ago I was cycling through another tough time. Wheel of Fortune-style, life had been up and now life was down.
It was 2011. Our daughters were four years old. The business we had started was just two years old. We had critical acclaim, and many requests to work with us, interview us, meet us, and speak with us. We were well-known and respected. I loved the work we were doing, the people we were surrounded by, the energy, the place, the spirit, and the vigor.
That was on the surface. Behind the scenes, my husband and I quarreled regularly though mostly we seethed in silence. I imagine he felt disregarded and deserted by me. At least that is how I felt about him. The financial stress and responsibility were staggering.
I regularly contemplated ending my life, thinking of different ways to do it that would hurt the fewest number of people. I was cutting. I felt trapped and consumed. As the owner of the business, I felt I couldn’t speak about my situation out of respect for our employees and the business’s reputation. Not wanting to imperil the business I suffered, mostly, in silence. I lacked support for the severity of my situation.
I confided regularly to our general manager. She had struggled with her husband and emerged from that relationship knowing herself better, stronger, and more self-assured. She recommended a very good therapist to me.
I knew I needed to see someone; a professional who would listen without judgment. I was raised Catholic and used to the idea of revealing my sins to a candid professional. But as I learned the details, it went from being essential and urgent to a frivolous whim.
She was too far away! Her office was located in a neighborhood far from my work or home, going in completely the opposite direction of all my obligations.
Hmmm…
It was expensive! How could I afford what she charged?! We were struggling financially as it was.
Hmmm…
What if it didn’t work? And how long was it going to take anyway?! I didn’t have all the time in the world! I was a very busy person. My presence was critical for the functioning of my family and farm.
Hmmm…
What if my husband said no? We were fighting as it was. I didn’t want to add one more thing into the mix.
Hmmm…
All of those reasons were legitimate. But they were also excuses.
I was coming closer to the idea of ending my life. I was hurting myself and my husband and likely others close to me with my erratic and unstable behavior. I was in need and desperate.
And desperate times call for desperate measures.
So I took the plunge and started, what would become, the biggest shift in my life.
But like most shifts, like seasonal changes, they happen so gradually that you don’t notice. You start to hear and notice things, that you didn’t before; ideas, thoughts, words, and impulses. Curious, you pursue and desist, drawn toward it yet repelled. It can be nerve-wracking to change, even when we want it, embrace it, or are desperate. Like the seed in the ground, once an idea is planted it will grow if you tenderly safeguard it.
It was the ability to sit across someone who wouldn’t judge me, call me a sinner, and require repentance. Yes, I wanted to change; I was remorseful. I needed encouragement. I just needed someone’s presence, to feel that someone was categorically in my corner and would be no matter if I retreated or advanced.
The eyeball can’t see itself and I needed someone else to see me. She did and she does. I still need that safe place where I can say anything, and admit to anything with someone who has seen me through the wheel of fortune, up and down. She can bring me back when I’m on the brink or embolden me to fly.
Not everyone is ready for therapy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to actively face yourself. There are beautiful things in there – generosity, loyalty, patience, peace. There are also some not-so-cute things – envy and jealousy are my top ones, the worms, insects, and spiders that wriggle underneath the burlap sack that is the Oogie Boogie Man. That me too.
But I’m endeavoring for whole, healed, beauty.
To be holistic is to integrate all parts of yourself, even the ones you don’t like. All elements are examined, my mind, body, spirit, my environment, relationships, thinking and stories, habits, and behaviors, and more. What do I tell myself? Why? How do I hold myself back? What do I resist and why? What do I want and why?
Healing can come from the integration of the parts into the whole. I don’t have to hate my saddlebags or my jealous, impatient nature. I accept the jowls on my face and my propensity to overthink the same way I accept my silliness and sense of humor.
All of that is what makes me beautiful – isn’t that a One Direction song? Excuse me while I go check. Deep diving, one of my most regular habits can be either good or bad depending on the moment (I digressed for twenty minutes y’all! The lyrics are pretty close: Check it here for an afternoon bop.)
But maybe the thing is not to judge them either way. Like the old zen koan, good or bad, maybe. We don’t know. They exist like this desk exists, like this notebook, like this trashcan. It’s very popular right now to say that everything happens for a reason, or that even the bad is good. That’s a fine way to look at things sometimes. After all, things were terrible for me and they got better.
But things aren’t perfect. They constantly flex and flux. External circumstances mess with my meditative calm and I reel. Other times things are stable, and I feel on top of the world, Bay-bee!
One of the constants is therapy, weekly, regular, out of pocket, with the same person, for over ten years. Why? Most insurance companies want to use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to teach old dogs new tricks and move on.
I pay out of pocket because this is an investment in myself and in my family. I’m trying to heal multi-generational trauma. I learn how to communicate better with my children and community. I know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em.
I strenuously recommend it if you want more peace and true healing in your life. If you are tired of stuffing it down, sweeping it under the rug, and pretending like your pain is fine (it’s not), I suggest getting a referral from someone you trust. The live you save will be your own.
xoxoxo