Feel it on the Fourth
You’ll find lots of breast cancer thrivers and advocates reminding you to “Feel It On The First”. By this, they mean that you should conduct a Breast Self-Exam.
It was all the fad a few years ago, to do BSE. Now it seems, some medical experts don’t believe that you need a BSE. They suggest that BSEs cause more damage than good, that they lead to unnecessary worry and gratuitous biopsies.
But that is how I came to find the lump in my breast on December 12, 2019. I scheduled a medical appointment for the next morning. It was, indeed, breast cancer – and a particularly nasty variety, too.
So I do recommend that you Feel It, but more so you can get to know your breasts, and know what feels normal and right for you.
It’s certain that my social media feed will be filled with exhortations to Feel It On The First.
I perform a cursory Breast Self-Exam. Honestly, I’m terrified to find another lump. Survivorship is hard. I find that now when I “Feel It On The First”, I’m not always feeling breasts, but the emotions associated with being a survivor.
And those feelings can come on the first, or the fifth, or the fourteenth. They come any time, triggered by surprises that linger in innocent places.
When we go to the hospital where I received my treatments to get our flu shots, I feel it.
When I pull out the pair of pants I almost always wore for chemo, it comes.
When I lose lots of hair from shampooing…
When I use the bag I used during chemo…
When I find a cache of get-well cards I saved, when I drive by the biopsy clinic, when a character in a movie has cancer, or I see someone without eyelashes or eyebrows, the emotions swell.
I find the further away I am from my anniversaries, the easier it is to ascribe that time in my life to a dream.
But that’s when I’m in-between anniversaries.
And there are plenty of anniversaries interspersed in the year (the day I found the lump, my biopsy, my first visit to the oncologist, my first chemo, my first ER visit, my first missed chemo, surgery, radiation, blood transfusions).
And those anniversaries cause the emotions to surge.
Meditation helps reduce the intensity of the emotions. I notice them billow like sheets on a line. I recognize it before it gets away from me, before I flood.
Being creative helps. Positive emotions replace negative emotions when you enter the state of flow.
May I suggest the next time you “Feel It”, that you grab the nearest pen and piece of paper – an envelope, a catalog that came in the mail, even a napkin or paper towel, and doodle.
I’m particle to circles and spirals. I also like wavy lines.
Back and forth, pick a surface and cover it with your doodles. Remember to breathe deeply while you do it.
See if that helps. See how you feel.
It’s not a magic bullet. It’s the beginning of you taking back your power.